The dash we call life...

I remember reading in a devotional book-One Month to Live maybe? About visiting a graveyard and looking at the tombstones and how the dates at the beginning and end don't actually matter. It is the dash between the two dates because that dash is our life.

Today I was reading-and I love reading and it has been a few months since I have read anything. Tonight I found myself looking forward to putting Ariana and Judah to bed so I can read in peace. And then I realized how warped that is...because it isn't the book that actually matters...but the two little people I was wishing to put to bed. It is almost bedtime for them...but not yet and there will be plenty of time for reading later.

I have also been realizing a lot about myself lately...which after a few weeks I feel like I am ready to write on here...not for attention sake because that is the opposite of what I want but so the people I love who read this blog will understand me a little more. So here follows an excerpt of a prayer journal I wrote a couple weeks ago.

I am nothing. 
That may be of the most important things I ever write. 
My whole life I have been predefined. 
First by being a Pastor's daughter and then by my sinful choices. 
I haven't been able to move past that because I am terrified that if I forgive myself I will forget and hurt everyone I love again...

And another excerpt

...Who I am ...that's the part that actually matters. How I choose to live and who I choose to be. 
All my life I have waited for that moment-that epic instant when I realize my time has come. 
It hasn't come yet and maybe that is because I am waiting. 
Burying it all in the sand instead of investing the time I do have towards something that matters. 
I don't want to live in tomorrow land anymore-because that is all it will ever be.
And all my grand plans are fading because there is just to much uncertainty in our lives these days. 
I am so full of plans...because like a person in a treasure trove I try to grab everything up in greedy arms because I am so afraid of it vanishing like a mirage before my eyes. 
I have been thinking about jobs a lot lately too...and how I can no longer just weigh everything on how cool that would be, now I need to add; how would this job effect my family? Will it enrich us or hurt us? 
I am tired of waiting, tired of settling, tired of planning. 
I believe you made me with the desires I have for a reason-the dreams and I want to start living like it. 

I am nothing...and with that I rejoice. Because God can do a lot with nothing.
 With being nothing removes the expectations that have plagued me so long...things I feel I need to live up too. There is something that frees me so much to know that the only thing that I need to do is fully rely on God and seek Him and let Him control my life.
I am praying daily to remade and redefined.
To rediscover the compassion that dwells within me because the truth is, I do believe my spiritual gifts are encouragement and mercy.
But they have gotten rather dusty.
I pray and I ask you all to pray that I will be able to surrender to the King of Kings fully and completely and that I will be reforged and refined by the fire.
I do not want to be as one who escaped through the flames when they were tried...I want to bring crowns to lay at the feet of Jesus. I want to be the Rachel He made me to be.

2014 Belongs to Jesus and I have to give it back to Him a dozen times a day-pray for that too!

What else...I have been attempting to relinquish my hold on my dreams-for life, next year, my golden birthday, our 5th Anniversary and the holiday season. I want to live and breathe the Joy of the Lord.
I want to be on fire for our Lord and King!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The final two thoughts I have are from a concert I recently went to:

Jamie Grace was talking about how she always used to tell her father how today was not her day. And he would always reply-our course it isn't this day belongs to God.

(I thought that was pretty cool)

and then TobyMac said how every encounter we have-every single one-we either speak life or take life.
I want to SPEAK LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

anywho...MERRY CHRISTMAS AND MAY GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!