All the almost's of my life have been whispering to me combined with all the pressure and expectations I have been feeling...
I realized yesterday all the times I almost had an exciting life...
- Going to Mississippi on a Missions Trip
- Going on the Operation Mobilization Ships which I was accepted for
- Going to Swaziland which I was accepted for
- Going to teach English in Egypt which I was accepted for...
Wow...what an exciting life I almost had...and maybe it was better that I didn't do all those things but sometimes the sting of regret still gets me...I love being married and having children but my longing for adventure has never subsided and yet it seems to get further and further away with each passing day.
And whether the expectations I feel are truly there or not they weigh me down greatly...
I feel like I need to be a perfect worker-but I can't. I can't remember everything and I can't do everything. I am tired. I am sore and I just want to stop but it feels like I can't...not ever.
I know I am not a good housekeeper and it seems like everything is under constant observation...the lawn, the house smell, the cats...just everything...and I do try but I can't do it.
And more and more I just can't. I can't get to all those wonderful exciting adventures and it's so hard to have faith in a world that only takes cash...I can't do everything around the house and it makes me want to cry. And all my crazy dreams...why do I have them? Why not someone who actually has some chance of pulling them off?
*sighs* Sorry to be so gloomy everyone
2 comments:
Maybe you'd feel better if you made a list of all the adventures/unusual experiences/blessings that you have had.
Love you Lulu! I too have had many almosts and things I got accepted for and never did.
God uses the paths of ours lives and each of the choices we make leads us on a big adventure. Perhaps dear little one it is time you opened your eyes and started living today and tomorrow and this adventure as a Mom with the attitude that THIS is the BIGGEST adventure you have yet had. Raising kids is never lacking surprises and the rewards are amazing. Yet is is dull at times with all the same old every day. That is why our attitude is most important!
I try not to live looking back, I don't want to get to the end of my life while having wasted the life I was given with always looking and waiting for something bigger, and better.
Love you!
Post a Comment