Sorting my Thoughts

Today I feeling out of sorts...and restless.
I keep wondering when she'll come?
Anytime...is so........vague.
I know everything will be hard possibly harder when she arrives but in a different way.
I am longing to lay on my stomach at night and eat whatever whenever without the nausea that still doesn't cease.
Also I'm beginning to think I have a resting issue...I almost never actually feel relaxed.  There's always this pressured feeling in the back of my mind which keeps me tensed up. I am trying to figure where it came from but I honestly don't know...
I never used to be this way. If anything I used to relax to often. Now it's just a distant memory. Part of it I believe is from getting an apartment...that is when I started to not sleep so well at night and then the 2nd apartment made it worse because there was constantly people coming and going and you could hear it all. Knocks that sounded closer than they were...
Another part is working...that made me paranoid of over sleeping even when the alarm is set. So I wake up a LOT...

Recently I have also been contemplating the difference between the dream of having a house and a dream house. I think most people probably have a dream house. I've had one ever seen I discovered graph paper . But right now the importance of the dream house pales in comparison with the dream of simply having a house. I am glad for the struggles with renting apartments and now staying with Robert's family because it has made me much more appreciative of having a house that is not the dream house in order to have a house at all.
This is not saying I will give up my dream house...some dreams always exist and perhaps one day will be realized but that is not the dream we work towards now. For now it is having a house. And I do hope it will be a pleasant one.
Now for the credit...

Sometimes I wonder at how hard it is to understand one's own mind...as hopeless as it is to even make sense of myself how am I supposed to understand anyone else? Yet I long to...for peace of mind and to understand others and perhaps help them have peace of mind. Yet this is only possible with God.

I believe lately God has been showing me my imperfections and rough spots of character...it's rather depressing at times...although I suppose I should be encouraged to recognize the failings...

Well onto my book again.

I'm sorry if I depressed anyone. =)